Today is the day my Grandma was born 86 years ago. She passed away in August of 2004. She was the world to me. We were very close. I was the youngest out of all her Grandchildren - she had 6 - all the rest of the Grand kids lived elsewhere but I lived in the same city my whole life. My mom was very close to them as well. When my mom passed away in 2001 I didn’t see them as much as I wish I did. Living with my brother and his family they invited us out to their house every Sunday to make sure I was getting a good home cooked meal, as I wasn’t living where I was. My Grandma and Grandpa were married for over 50 years. It was quite something to see them together after that long. They were truly amazing. My Grandma was in the hospital for the summer of 2004 and my Grandpa was at home. On my 19th Birthday I got a phone call saying my Grandpa, at home, had passed away in his sleep. In his favorite recliner, in his living room - the same living room his daughter, my mother had passed away just 3 years earlier. Heart attack they tell me. My heart just about stopped. I think he died of a broken heart because he knew Grandma was going.

My sister in law came over to make sure I was okay, I was.. it wasn’t very real to me. A few days later I called my Grandma who was in the hospital and she asked me “Have you heard about Grandpa?” I told her yes, and I was very sad.. and she said she was glad he went before her. My heart, again almost stopped. When we were getting off the phone she kept saying “I love you, I love you, I love you” the nurse had to take the phone, and I told the nurse I had to go but she wouldn’t get off the phone.. So we said our goodbyes, and some more I love you’s and I hung up the phone. Little did I know that was the last time I would speak to her again. The next day I went up to the hospital to see her. She was asleep, and wasn’t waking up. We all stood in her hospital room, Jordan in my arms. My brother from Oshawa showed up, and left within 5 minutes. He didn’t say goodbye to anybody, but he couldn’t see my Grandma that way. I don’t blame him. But, I knew this would be the last time I saw her so I stayed a few minutes longer and I had to leave as well. The next day Grandma passed away in her sleep. She I believe was waiting, holding on to make sure my Grandpa would be okay and taken care of. Him passing away I feel made her at ease. We all got the chance to go see her, and I feel she knew we were all there. I think that gave her what she needed, and she passed. I think she waited for us all to come say goodbye.

I cry a lot over the lives I’ve lost in my short years on this Earth. I am no longer sad, but I am happy I got to spend the first 19 years of my life with my wonderful Grandparents and the first 16 years of my life with the woman who gave birth to me; my mom. I miss them all terribly, but instead of mourning today I am celebrating her life. She had a wonderful life. Grandma was born in England and moved to Ontario with her parents at a young age. She met my Grandpa, both went in the Military, Grandpa fought in WWII and had 3 children together.

I’m lucky to have known such amazing people, and I’m lucky to say I was related to them. I’m lucky they met Jordan and saw me as a mother, and them telling me what a wonderful mother I was. I’m lucky I get to share my stories, photos and life with my Children telling them about what amazing Grandparents I had, and how I can’t wait to be the same to their children. I learned a lot from Gram and Gramp. I miss them terribly, but today we celebrate. We celebrate their lives, and their love. Together forever they rest.

Happy Birthday Grandma!
I miss you. I love you. I’ll see you all when its that time!

April 17th. My mom’s birthday. She would have been 57 years-old today. As most of you know my mother died of lung cancer on September 18th, 2001. She was just 48 years old. I at the time had just turned 16. This photo was taken in April 2001… She was starting to feel very sick.

I find it very hard for me to talk about her. I was very angry at her during the last few weeks of her life. I was angry that she was sick. I know that it wasn’t anything she could control but we all know what causes lung cancer. Smoking. Among other things, and smoking is something she did a lot of. Near the end she wrote a journal and from what I was told she did document how mean I was being to her. Although that saddens me I also realize I was 16 years-old about to lose the only parent I ever had due to her smoking for years… She’d smoke a pack to 2 a day. Although, that doesn’t excuse my behavior it is a valid reason for me to have been upset and angry. Which, I really was.

My moms best friend of 30+ years even tells me to this day I have my moms attitude to a T. Which, is flattering to me. My mom was always to the point, she didn’t bullshit and she sure spoke her mind when she needed to.

I often wonder how different my life would have turned out had she not gotten sick, and died. I know you aren’t suppose to think “what if” but its just something I often wonder. I’d hope my children would still be here at the times they were and I’d hope my life would be somewhat the same it is now.

Although she isn’t here with us in person I know she is here in spirit. How, I don’t know. But I just know I think about her all the time - her photos are around my house. I talk to my kids about her all the time; and Kyla is even named after her. I hope she’d be proud of the person I am today, and I’d hope she would understand why I was so angry at her at such a horrible time. I’m over it now, I see how it was and I do regret how I behaved. I can’t go back now, I just have to move on and hope she’d understand. I’m sure she would had she known how I was feeling and what was going on in my head.

May you always rest in peace, and forever be in our hearts.

Michelle 1953 - 2001

“If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I’d walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again”

I don’t even know how to describe how I am feeling right now. A friend of mine was sick, I blogged and twittered about it when she first called and told me a few months back. Well, I had been calling her for the last 2 - 3 weeks twice a day or so and never got an answer. She would always be at her nieces place, or over at her other family members places so I didn’t think anything of it. Last I talked to her in October she was feeling okay… She was doing Raidation treatments and had good and bad days…

I called her again on Monday and got no answer. I’d checked the papers to see if anything was in there, there wasnt so I didn’t bother to worry. Well last night for some reason I decided to do a search of our local paper obituaries. I did and 16 matches to her last name popped up. I scrolled down and the 3rd name… was her.

I quickly covered my mouth and begain to sob. I grabbed my phone and texted my hubby who was on his way home from work, then I clicked on her name.

There it was… “Died surrounded by family on November 7th, 2009 at her home” WHAT? November 7th???

I was mortified. I couldn’t do anything but sob. My husband walked in the door and came up to me sitting on my bed, sobbing and trying to breathe.. I couldn’t believe it. She was gone, for a month and I didn’t even know. What kind of friend was I?

Her name was Dale. I met her back in 2005.. We worked together and became really close. She always said I was like a daughter to her, and she’d always joke she was my stand in Mom. She was always there for me when I needed a friend…

She had 1 daughter named Wanda. Wanda and I were pregnant together when I was pregnant for Ava. She had her daughter Kassy on August 10th 2007 and I had Ava on August 12th 2007…. We were both in the hospital together.. She had her baby 6 weeks early, and an emergency c-section so she was there even after I had left with Ava… Her room was right beside mine and when my hubby had to go home while I was at the hospital Wanda and Dale would come visit me!

Wanda passed away 3 months after giving birth to Kassy. While they did her c-section they discovered a big tumor in her stomach, which was preventing Kassy from growing inside her so thats why they needed to take her out - but it turns out it was cancer. It had spread through her whole body and she lost her battle November 20th 2007.

Dale got custody of her granddaughter and they lived in a basement apartment of her nieces. Dale found out she had cancer a few months ago… and was on medication, doing radiation.. I hadn’t talked to Dale a lot since she found out she was sick because of her doctors appointments, and she’d go visit family a lot. She used to call me everyday sometimes 2 or 3x a day. We’d chat and laugh. But when Jayden was born I was so busy I barely got time to talk to anyone, so when I did talk to her it’d be breif. She’d call all the time but I’d miss the phone or say I’d call her back and never got to it…

I can’t believe she died. I can’t believe no one told me. She told me my number was on her fridge incase anything happened. Obviously, I know its a sad time and everyones busy and all that.. but to find out a month and 1 day later.. and by searching obituaries because her phone is still hooked up but not being answered… not the way to find out. I missed the funeral, and I feel like a complete ass. I wish I had more time to have talked to her near the end, and I just wish I could have been there for her.

I lost one of my best friends, and although heaven gained an incredible true Angel… I will miss her terribly.