Like the title says: It’s April - - Her month.. My mom’s birthday is this month. She would have been 56 this year. I try not to let it bother me on a daily basis that she died way too early, and I try not to let it bother me that she’s never met my children, she’s never met my husband, she’s never been able to be there for me during any of my pregnancies. But its hard — anyone who has lost a parent knows. If you haven’t lost a parent just the thought probably scares you, it scares me realizing that I will never see my mother again. I have had since September 18th, 2001 to realize that but its hard. It’s something you never want to think about, never want to accept and never want to imagine as real. I don’t think I have come to terms with it yet that she is actually dead. I’ve said those words over and over again, but they never seem real.

I was 2 months into my 16th year of life when my mom passed away. So, being 15 and dealing with a dying mother wasn’t easy and it wasn’t something I’d wish upon anyone. I had no siblings around, I had no family around besides my Grandparents. So, it was Mom and Me. I was mad at her, I was VERY mad at her for being sick. Like it was something she could help? I wasn’t the nicest person to her in her final months. This is very hard for me to admit - but it’s true. I was awful to her, and looking back now I could smack myself. No one wants to die, no one asks to get as sick as she got. I was angry. VERY VERY angry.

To this day I am still angry. I’m angry at myself for how I acted, and I’m angry at her for smoking so many cigarettes that it ended her life. I’m very angry at my family for how things unfolded after her death. But because I am a mother now, I want to be happy and I want to let my kids know how amazing their Grandma was even though she is no longer here with us. So I don’t tend to think about things too much, because it is really painful and it is something that took me a very long time to be able to talk about and I want to say “deal with” but really, I’ve just put it in the back of my mind although I do think about her everyday throughout the day. I talk to my kids about her and about how she was, and how amazing she was. They see her pictures around our house and know she is Grandma - the Grandma in heaven.

I know that what happened, happened. Obviously it cannot be changed. But I’m still upset about it, and that is my right. I accept that I won’t see her again. But I still don’t think I’ve fully accepted shes DEAD.

She was my best friend. In the last 3 years of her life we got so close to each other, I am so thankful I had those times I had with her. I’m so thankful that I wasn’t one of my siblings who did her wrong, or who didn’t care. I’m so glad she was who she was, and that I got to spend 16 years of my life knowing her.

So when April 17th comes around I ask that you think about my Mom. It would be her 56th Birthday. Every year I light a candle for her on her Birthday (and all holidays) but I’d like everyone to just take a moment to this about this amazing woman who brought me up to be the woman I am today and although her life was cut short - her memory still lives on within me and my children. I hope shes proud.